Bob and Ellen find themselves in an awkward position. Bob is eighty-one and Ellen is seventy-eight. They live independently in the same apartment they have called home for over ten years. Money is not the issue. They are good savers and spend carefully. The issue is control.

In the last year, Ellen has begun to have memory problems. At first they were subtle but now they are apparent to her family and friends. Bob has been diligent in filling in the "memory gap" for Ellen but he needs more help. This is the issue: more help. Ellen is opposed to "strangers" coming into their home. Bob is tired and frustrated. Ellen is fearful and resistant. Now what?

Control is a developmental need for older adults. It is not optional. As such, it has profound influence on how older adults' attitude and decisions. Ellen is no exception. She and Bob are living in one of the last refuges of control for older adults: their home. Understandably, she is reluctant to allow anyone for any reason to invade her sanctuary. Even without memory problems, her response to strangers coming into her home would be normal. Older adults are supposed to fight for control in a world where all control is being lost.

Memory problems complicate Ellen's situation. In the early phases of memory loss, the affected person is painfully aware of his or her situation. They are aware that they are losing control of the one thing that cements their identity: memory. This awareness provokes fear and frustration. It also intensifies the underlying need to preserve control. This is why Bob is getting nowhere with Ellen on bringing in more help.

There are no simple answers for Bob and Ellen. Developmental currents combined with memory problems require Bob to find a different strategy to "work around" these deep-seated objections. That strategy needs to change the control issue from liability to asset. How?

Bob needs to communicate to Ellen that he is her "control" advocate. The best way to do this is to begin with his concerns about losing control as he ages. This creates an emotional connection with Ellen that they are fighting the same battle to hang on to control. This also lays the groundwork for Bob to discuss with Ellen how her memory problem is making the battle for control even more challenging. They are not helpless but they need to work together to hold on to what matters the most: time together in their home. Bob needs to reframe their situation in terms of what gives them the best chance to accomplish this, to stay in control of their lives.

This is not merely a strategy; it is a campaign. It is working against strong currents. It needs various reiterations. It requires patience and consistency. But because it resonates with Ellen's developmental need to maintain control, it will gain an audience in her thinking. Maybe not all at once, maybe not to the degree that Bob wants, but the offering of increased control is impossible to ignore.

About David Solie

Geriatic psychology expert David Solie is a popular and entertaining speaker who has been a featured presenter at Pepperdine University, Merrill Lynch, Smith Barney, Blue Cross, The Million Dollar Round Table (MDRT), The International Forum, The Association for Advanced Life Underwriters (AALU), The Portland Estate Planning Council, The Washington State Estate Planning Council, The Western Regional Planned Giving Conference, The California CPA Conference and The Dallas Estate Planning Council.

He is the author of "How To Say It to Seniors: Closing the Communication Gap with Our Elders," published by Prentice Hall Press. Written for baby boomers and their parents, professionals who work with the elderly, and everyone who has regular contact with seniors, this book offers an original perspective on why these conversations can be an exercise in frustration. Whether the communication difficulties involve parents, patients or clients, Mr. Solie's book provides a fresh and inspiring look at new strategies and skills for overcoming these challenges.

To learn more about David Solie, or to subscribe to his newsletter, you can visit his website: dsolie.com.

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