In the old days, etiquette rules included which side of the plate you put your fork on and not burping at the table. Today, they include navigating divorcing parents, whether to get a stepmom a gift and what happens when Mother's Day falls on the weekend Dad is supposed to have the kids. Situations like these call for a new understanding of good manners.
So how do you negotiate those familial changes on Mother's Day?
"Handling situations where there isn't an etiquette rule is about understanding how to combine manners with three fundamental principles that form the basis of how we get along with each other—demonstrating respect, showing consideration, and being honest," said Dr. Cindy Post Senning. Dr. Senning is a director of the Emily Post Institute in Burlington, Vt., and co-author of six books, including The Gift of Good Manners: A Parent's Guide to Raising Respectful, Kind, Considerate Children.
Here are tips from top experts for ways to navigate Mother's Day when a divorce is part of the landscape. "Getting through Mother's Day is really about how we're learning to get along with each other in this very painful situation," said Dr. Post Senning.
1. Accept there will be anger from the children. If Mom is the one who left, the children may be really mad at her. "You're not going to make it better by saying you have to give her a gift just because she's your mother," said Dr. Post Senning. "Being honest means, sometimes, you have to let the holiday go without a lot of celebration so you can have some healing. If Mother's Day leads to some opportunities for that, great! If not, don't push, especially the first year."
Be honest about the fact things are different. "Kids live a long time hoping mom and dad will get back together," said Dr. Post Senning. "They may dream about the family going out to dinner on Mother's Day like they always did and hope that will be the catalyst for mom and dad to reunite. Parents need to be respectful of those feelings, while at the same time telling them, we can't do that because things are different. If you try and make it like it was when you were a family, you're only pretending and you're going to make it worse. Instead, detach from emotion and think about what is it you want to do."
2. Try to keep the routine for the kids. While things are different, as much as possible, keep them similar. "Mother's Day is a day when children, whatever age, take the initiative. So, Mother's Day in a home where there's a divorce should be similar to Mother's Day in an intact family, except without the participation of the father. The children can draw a picture, write a story, or cook breakfast, if they're old enough to do so," said Dr. Judith Wallerstein, who has spent 30 years studying the effects of divorce on families. She is co-author of the international best seller, What About the Kids? Raising Children Before, During and After Divorce.
3. Be considerate and plan ahead for Mother's Day. Children do better when they don't have to scramble to figure out how to handle important events. "The kids shouldn't be the ones solving the problem about what we do for different holidays," said Dr. Post Senning. Special occasions, like Mother's Day, should be part of the parenting plan you work out during the divorce. So, sit down together with the calendar and figure out who has the children for which special day. If there is a joint custody situation and Mother's Day is on Dad's weekend, negotiate for some time with the children on Sunday. While most fathers will cooperate for the sake of their children, some will dig in their heels. "If he refuses to change the day, the kids and mom should celebrate on their own on another day," said Dr. Wallerstein.
4. Be respectful of your ex as you work out the details. Communication problems are the number two reason for divorce. When you've had problems communicating in the best of times, communicating when nerves are raw can be tough. Carolyn Ellis, author of the New York Times bestseller Thrive After Divorce suggets approaching your ex with respect. "I'd like to talk with you about Mother's Day. Is this a good time for you to talk?" Ellis advises opening the door with a positive statement like, "I think we've been doing a really good job handling our divorce in a way that makes our kids feel safe and loved." Then state your position by saying something like, "Mother's Day is coming up in three weeks. The kids are scheduled to be with you and I would like to have some time with them. My request would be to have the children for Sunday morning brunch. If you could help them with a card and gift, I would really appreciate that and I would be happy to reciprocate for Father's Day." This is not the time to mention the affair five years ago. Instead, listen to the answer, take some deep breaths if you need to and be as open as possible to what your ex has to say.
5. Parents should facilitate helping children with gifts. On Mother's Day, it's great if Dad can facilitate the children's choice of gifts and cards. This also shows that dad respects his children's relationship with their mom, even if there is a lot of anger and resentment between them. However, there may be some cases where dad either doesn't want to or is an absentee parent. Speak honestly to your therapist or friends about how you want to waterboard him but don't make him wrong in front of the kids because that disrespects their relationship with him and puts them in the middle.
6. What to do if mom isn't around. If it's mom who no longer has an active role in the children's lives, Mother's Day can be tough. Don't force your children to talk about this, but give openings, and follow their lead. When the subject does come up, help them not to feel ashamed or afraid that there's something wrong with them. "For whatever reason, some mothers go off because they're not happy or not well. The most important thing is to tell your child it's not their fault and remind them best thing she ever did was help them come to this planet. Even when they've failed us miserably, most people are doing the best they can with the resources they have," said Ellis.
7. Enlist the aid of others. "Mother's Day is very meaningful and very important to the mother. Particularly for the first two or three years after a divorce, mothers especially need to feel loved and cared for by their children. Their self-esteem is often shattered by the divorce and now a lot of it rests on her children's love, affection, and respect. So, it's nice for grandparents or good friends or someone in the extended family to make sure Mother's Day happens. It wouldn't hurt if the churches took this seriously and helped encourage the children to do what children in intact families do," said Dr. Wallerstein.
So, if Dad isn't up to helping the kids get ready, ask for help. If your child's school is doing arts and crafts, give your child's teachers a heads up. If no one steps up to the plate, mom can take responsibility. Put it on the table in a low-key way. "We've got a tough one coming up. I know you love me. But this year, let's keep things simple. How about we rent a movie, have a pizza delivered or pick up some Chinese and just enjoy the day?" The point is to take the pressure off everyone and create some good memories.
8. Develop new traditions and rituals. The first one is always the hardest because it's out of the mold you established as a family. As you develop new traditions, healing comes. "The children are missing the fun times. Give them that gift," said Dr. Post Senning. "The main point is everything changes. Five years later, that father may not be the one whose role it is to establish the traditions in that family. He'll be developing his own traditions. In the first year or two, if he's able to help show respect for mom, it's awesome. But, it's still going to be a little bit up to mom. So, ask the kids, ‘How do we want to do things like Mother's Day and Father's Day?"
9. Show consideration for the former mother-in-law. She may be your ex mother-in-law, but she is still the grandmother of your children. If she had a good relationship with your children before the divorce, consider continuing some of the ways you included each other in this celebration. On the other hand, if she was the mother-in-law from hell and she's bashing you to your kids, you're not required to reach out to her. "You cannot reconstruct extended families after divorce and maintain them in the same way you can in an intact family," Dr. Wallerstein, cautions. "However, grandmothers are often even more important after divorce." So, respect her relationship with your children by not standing in the way if your children want to honor her on Mother's Day.
10. Deal with the "next" in a way that doesn't put the children in the middle. Adultery is the number one reason for divorce. So, if she was the reason the marriage broke up, we know how you feel about the girlfriend. If she's moved in and has an active role in your children's lives, you're in a tough spot when it comes to Mother's Day. If Dad's really moved on and re-married, dealing with the stepmom can require all the manners you've got. "If the kids come home and say we got this great present for the step mom and mom didn't realize the relationship was there, it can be very political and open up some new wounds," said Ellis.
Sometimes, the children will want to make a special gesture. However, if dad wants to require his children to take that on to validate the relationship, that puts pressure on kids. It might be in his interest or the girlfriend or stepmom's interest, but is it in the kid's interest? So, parents need to talk about this in advance. Dr. Wallerstein agrees, "If children have a stepmom and a biological mother who are actively involved in parenting, Mother's Day can be problem. There's no question the priority should be given to the biological mother. On other hand, the stepmom may be very devoted and would be in considerable pain if she's ignored. Meanwhile, there's considerable pain for the mother if the stepmother shares the day. This is one of the inherent conflicts in remarriage. If the two women get along, it's easier. If they're rivals, which they often are because resources are limited or they live in entirely different economic situations, things are complicated. If the women are wise and able to do so, they might have a conversation about this several weeks before about how this day is going to work for the children, especially if they're little."
Using these tips can help you put your best foot forward after divorce. "Even though they're full of emotions and anger, parents don't have the luxury of putting the kids in the middle. You have to be there for them. It's hugely difficult, but, kids can't be the one to carry the load. The good news is many, many people do this very effectively and well. Draw on other family or friends. You don't have to do it alone," said Dr. Post Senning.
–Laurie S. Moison (Hall) has written for newspapers and has authored four books, including An Affair of the Mind. She has lectured nationally on sexuality, forgiveness, ethics and spirituality.
Reprinted with permission from Divorce360 [1]. Find more articles on divorce at www.divorce360.com [2].