Go ahead, admit it. After all these years, after all your efforts to communicate, you've come to the sneaking conclusion that you'll never really get through to Aunt Lil or Cousin Keith, or your older brother. Sure, she (or he) is your relative, but, difficult as it is to accept, you just don't have much in common despite the shared bond of memories and the comfort factor of familiarity.

Few of us can say with total honesty that we would pick some of our relatives to be our best friends, given the choice. So when we get together with them, we're often disappointed with the quality of time spent and how easily we fall into disputes. Why are we arguing? Why don't they understand us? Why aren't we having a better time? There is no blanket answer because each person's life and experiences are unique, and so are the feelings that spring from them. What's true for most of us, however, is that it seems harder and harder to break the cycle. Counseling might help us understand why we're behaving as we are, but the investment of effort and money may not seem worth it, especially at this stage in our lives.

So the options are few. We can keep trying to communicate, or we can go on arguing and feel bitter and frustrated, or we can avoid these people who disturb our best years with negative emotions. After 30 or 40 years of trying to connect with someone who refuses to meet you half way or recognize your personal evolution, isn't it time to just stop speaking into the wind?

Time becomes ever more precious when there is less of it, and the goal of these rich 50-plus years should be to share our positive attitudes with people who appreciate it—new friends, perhaps, or grandchildren, or less-fortunate people who need the energy and help we can provide. Trying to convince Uncle Horace that your marriage might have been a mistake but it was a learning experience, or that taking piano lessons at "your age" is not insane, may be the least productive way to direct your efforts.

The holidays bring all this to the forefront of our lives and each of us must find a way to negotiate a fair compromise so that we can extract some reasonable joy from the exaggerated promise of the holidays.

ELDR Editors' Note: Leda has published a book of essays called, "Look for the Moon in the Morning [1]." To learn more about Leda Sanford, you can visit her website, l [2]edasanford.com [3].